Had you told me four weeks ago that the No Fear pinball table is one of the finer pinball tables out there, well, I would have snickered a little but then I would have gone ahead and considered that such a thing is entirely possible. Questionable properties have been adapted into fine games (Congo, Tron: Legacy, any of the Universal Monsters games) and excellent properties have been turned into boring also-rans (the Indiana Jones games are aggressively unmemorable, the Simpsons games are a chore).
Anyway, this punchline of a label makes for a boss machine. It is appropriately fast. The ball is rarely held in place and every shot sets up a subsequent shot. It is an in-the-zone game, as they say, where your voluntary brain shuts down and your reflexes take over. Feels entirely appropriate to the extreme-sports motif. Embarrassingly, but yes.
I wish, lately, that I engaged in sport or that I did any kind of physical exercise at all. I am a walker, I ride a bike with ease, but I see the body of a proper man and it makes me want to take a knife to my gut. Not for self-killing, no, just that I would like to cut off the unpleasant bits.
I wish I was a boxer because jabbing things (faces, I suppose) seems great and throwing the occasional hook at a thing (a temple?) seems even better. There is a sport out there, a respected one!, where the goal is to beat a man until he cannot stand, or until a committee of judges determines that it would no longer be appropriate to beat the man because any further beating would be unsportsmanlike at best and lethal at worse. This sport is boxing.
Never cared to be decent at basketball or football or even hockey. Track and field seems alright. Hurling heavy objects, jumping over things. These are skills you can use in your everyday life (of throwing bricks through windows, sprinting away over fences). Gymnastics seems badass. You can be going around to bars with your friends and casually do a back handspring on the sidewalk and pretty much for sure get a smooch that night. Ballet seems cool for basically the same reason, just with spins instead of flips. “There’s no flipping in ballet!” as Tom Hanks screamed at Rosie O’Donnell in Black Swan. Famous line.
I think a Big Dogs pinball game could be pretty good.
Would be nice for a high-end label to have a game. Like Coach.